We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
