I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
