My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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