I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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