dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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