you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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