Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
vagina is talking i cant
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
