dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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