Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
