he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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