When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
