I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Be still, my beating vagina.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
