three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
