My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
