Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
