We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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