My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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