Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
