Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
