Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's never too late to be topless.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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