i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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