I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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