At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
