if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
