Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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