My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
