Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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