He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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