You just made me feel so damn special
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
