He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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