He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
