Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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