I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
