I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize