there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
