pop tarts are not kleenex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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