my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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