i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
