My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
