So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
