Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
