my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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