All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
