Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
