glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
