You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
