My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
