My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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