I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
