Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
