Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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