Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
