you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
