Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
