see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
