He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
