Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
