no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
