My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated