I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.