At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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