So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
